Say It Ain't So Joe...er..ah..I Mean Mr. Woods

When this whole Tiger banging story broke I was absolutely certain that Tiger was being had by some money grubbing bimbo who got bumped from the State Dinner guest list by Tareq Salahi and just wanted her 15 minutes of fame.

But then she went and hired Gloria Allred. Uh oh. Gloria does not mess around. I can't stand her but if I ever get in a jam I'm going to make sure it's something that will generate a lot of publicity cause then I can get Gloria for free. Remember OctoMom? Last story about her was they were going to lock her up for child endangerment. Not a chance of that with Gloria riding legal shotgun.

But back to Tiger. Here is this guy with an amazing talent, an otherworldly ability to focus, every moment of his life seemingly planned down to the second and we are supposed to believe he's messing around with a hostess at a club...and a waitress in a Vegas bar...and a porn star...and, well the list goes on.

At last count I think there were 13 bimbos claiming to have banged the Woodster.

And you know what? I believe most of them. I didn't at first but I do now. I don't know if that's just the power of the media or if I came to that decision rationally. But let's assume for a moment that it's true.

Wilt Chamberlain wrote a book and talked about bedding literally 100s of women during his phenomenal career in basketball. The sport didn't suffer. Magic Johnson messed around until he came down with that nasty case of AIDS. And of course Kobe did the maid in Colorado. Nobody remembers any of that.

But hey, they're all basketball players so it doesn't count.

What happens when Woods drops out of golf for a year? Will viewership go down? Will purses dwindle? Will the First Tee add some new ideas on moral conduct? Will Lefty win some tournaments? Will Sergio start dating waitresses?

As much as I admire the guy's golf accomplishments, his major screw up and his display of absolutely horrible taste in women, are going to hurt the game short term. You can't compare him to Nicholas and Palmer in any way other than statistics. Where before all three were patron saints for the game, now we're back to two and they aren't exactly contemporary.

I don't know if I can take anymore jock shocks. I mean if mister clean is banging bimbos, the next thing you know is Barry Bonds will start taking steroids!

Oh Shoeless Joe. If only these modern athletes would just cheat on the game and leave it at that.

A Tribute To Tiger

And all of his Bimbos!

This Silly Little Golf Ball

If you look down the left hand side of the blog you'll see a widget called Feedjit. Basically this is just a fun tool that shows who came to visit and how they got here ie direct or through a search. Guess what is the biggest draw to this blog? It's that silly little marked up golf ball in the photo.

I did a story several months ago about another blog that was having a ball marking contest so I took out a couple of sharpies and decorated an old Nike practice ball. For some reason, there are a lot of people searching for ball marking.

I mean how difficult is it? Granted the ball in the picture is fine art compared to how most of us mark a ball; but just how tough is it to put two or three dots on the face of a ball. You have to Google it to get instructions?

The second biggest draw from Google is Westchester Golf Course here near LAX. They are finally adding back in the three holes they cut out for a road expansion 8 years ago. So I get a bunch of hits based on Westchester expansion. Once that's done I'll probably lose a third of my traffic.

The runner up, and this really is weird, is a search for "how you gonna have a dream come true". Again I did an article based on that song from South Pacific and apparently there are a lot of people rediscovering it.


The internet is a strange place.

Bush Smith End Of Summer Blowout

Goodbye Summer and your temperature in the low 80s.  Hello Fall with your temperatures in the mid 70s.  This is Los Angeles after all.  Our group let off a little steam to celebrate the changing of the seasons. 

Scrappy Hall Of Famer - Bob Hope

Okay so he didn't play professional golf. He was never without his golf club on stage and as he said "Golf is my profession, acting just pays for the greens fees."

Here's a collection of quotes from an American treasure.

ON TURNING 70

'You still chase women, but only downhill'.

ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact � I don't feel anything until noon. Then � it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'

ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS

' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'"
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN�

'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter � on a technicality.'

Golf Slice And Helmet Liners

My all time best horror story involving my big banana slice took place years ago when I was assigned to Fort McClellan, AL. As I recall, the 6th fairway on the posts’ golf course was pretty much straight away but was bordered on the right by a 20 foot slope with pine trees and shrubs growing on it. If you went over that you were OB. I discovered that day that behind those pine trees there were a series of barracks and a parade field used by the WAC basic training battalion that was stationed there.

Understand that at the time, my game was a work in progress. The three other guys I was with weren’t much better than me and that unfortunately just acerbated what was to become a memorable conversation with one of the WAC’s finest drill instructors.

So we tee off and the first two guys hit reasonable shots that land in the fairway. The third guy lets loose a mighty slice and the ball goes sailing over the trees. His second shot isn’t much better but lands on the slope rather than OB.

Now it’s my turn and I’m focusing on crushing the ball. And I do. I smashed into that ball and it went dead straight for about 190 yards and then made a right hand turn and sailed over the trees.

My second shot wasn’t as severe as the first. This one was more of a billowing graceful arc over the trees.

The third one was off the toe and had a lot of left to right spin and just shot dead right over the trees.

Now I’m not certain why none of the four of us didn’t react to all the yelling and swearing that was in the background. I guess we just thought that was part of the ambient sound on an army post. However, we did hear a crashing sound coming from the bushes and then this short, fat female Staff Sergeant wearing one of those silly Australian cowboy hats that the WAC Drill Instructors wear came grinding up the fairway at us like an Abrams tank.

At any rate, when she got to us she expressed her explicit displeasure of having golf balls rain down on her company formation. Fortunately, the uniform of the day for her troops included helmet liners so there was no serious damage.

A slice can be a dangerous thing.

Bush Smith Golf Gurus

I downloaded a new toy the other day called PhotoStory 3 that lets you make videos without a camera. So I tested it out using pics from my golf buddies. Hopefully this will not go viral as if it does, the INS might snatch up a couple of the Brits.

You can grab this software for free at http://www.microsoft.com/windowsxp/using/digitalphotography/photostory/default.mspx and make your own embarassing video. Heck maybe we could make a golf blogger site with nothing but blogger videos.

Scrappy Hall of Famers - Chi Chi Rodriguez

Notice the title says Scrappy Hall of Famers and not just Hall of Famers. I thought I'd do a few tributes to guys who maybe were not destined to be golfers but who became pros just the same and either influenced the game or were big crowd pleasers. Why not start with the first pro I ever saw, Chi Chi Rodriguez.

As a kid, and I'm talking like 6 years old, Chi Chi switched from working in the cane fields to working at the local golf course; not because of his love of golf but because it paid more. He eventually became a caddy and that's when the bug bit him.

By age 16, Rodriguez was setting course records, and at 17 he finished second in the Puerto Rico Open. Following a 2-year stint in the U.S. Army, Rodriguez began working at Dorado Beach Resort and came under the tutelage of former touring pro Pete Cooper. Cooper mentored Chi Chi's game, and then, with financial backing from resort investor Laurence Rockefeller, Rodriguez began playing the PGA Tour in 1960.

And that's when I saw him. He played in the Eastern Open at Mount Pleasant GC in Baltimore. My Dad took me and we wound up following this little Puerto Rican rookie because he was a great showman. I don't remember who won the tournament, all I remember is Chi Chi chit chatting with the gallery while most of the others ignored us.

I can not remember who he was paired with other than his first name was Doug and he was also the gregarious type so they made a great team. However I think Dougs wit was the result of whatever was in the thermos he kept drinking from.

Over 20 years Chi Chi only won 8 tournaments in the PGA. Yet his putter sword dance, his trademark straw hat, and his Yogi Berra like quotes kept him a favorite with the crowd.

Chi Chi Rodriguez: "Sure, I'm making a lot of money now, but years ago the IRS would send me get-well cards."

Chi Chi Rodriguez: "I've heard people say putting is 50 percent technique and 50 percent mental. I really believe it is 50 percent technique and 90 percent positive thinking. See, but that adds up to 140 percent, which is why nobody is 100 percent sure how to putt."

Chi Chi Rodriguez: "I never exaggerate. I just remember big."

Chi Chi found his stride when he started playing in the Senior Tournaments winning 22. But you had to love him most when he played skins. First of all I love that format and I wish they could wire all the golfers like that. But it was really obvious that Chi Chi loved winning at skins just like a regular guy. And I guess that was a lot of his appeal. Everyone could relate to him.

So hats off to an old Duffer who has the questionable honor of being the first inducted into the Scrappy Hall of Fame.

Trump National vs. Westchester. Is it really worth $277 more?

The Donald owns a golf course about 10 minutes and several tax brackets from where I live in San Pedro, CA. Trump National Los Angeles actually started out as Ocean Trails, a Pete Dye course, and was scheduled to open in 1999. Unfortunately one of the greens slid into the ocean raising the question of just how stable this golf course on a cliff really is.

Ocean Trails was owned by a couple of brothers who weren't so much interested in the golf course as they were in peddling the multimillion dollar homes they planned to build around it. When the course took a header into the deep blue so did the brother's plans to develop the area.

Trump snatched it up and had plans to not only build homes but a golf destination hotel as well. Rancho Palos Verdes, the berg that the course has the unfortunate luck of residing in, is not impressed with the Donald or anyone else who brings in the unwashed public or attempts to block an ocean view. As a result, the relationship between the two has been less than friendly. The city sued the Donald because his American flag was too big; because he planted the wrong kind of trees: because he didn't provide enough foot paths for the public and on and on.

Donald prevailed and in 2002 opened the course declaring it ready for a pro tournament. That September they did in fact have a LPGA event. That is also the last professional event that has been played there. September can be a pretty tricky time along the ocean front. When the tournament was delayed twice for fog and the players complained of freezing to death in that clammy white moisture, I'm pretty sure the LPGA crossed the course off their list of favorite venues.

My wife and I first visited the club a few years back to get a Sunday lunch. They have tables set up outside overlooking the ninth hole. The first thing I noticed was God this place is beautiful. I mean it would be beautiful with or without the golf course but it had been some time since I actually got out of my car and made my way down to the cliffs.

The second thing I noticed was there weren't many people eating lunch. Maybe a dozen.

The most lasting thing I noticed was there wasn't anyone playing golf. We were there for an hour and saw a twosome and a single during that entire time.

It was a beautiful sunny Sunday and nobody was playing. So what was wrong with this course? Maybe it was the $300 greens fee! Note to Donald: the only way people who live near your course are only going to pay $300 is if the course is located in Hawaii.

I actually have played Trump once. They had a special during reseeding and you could play a round for $140. Everything about the place is so pretentious except for the people. They have to hire their starters, ground crew, waiters etc locally and the folks in San Pedro and the South Bay just are way to laid back to be pretentious.

The course is beautiful. Ocean views from every hole. No trees but really nasty tall rough. And like Sergio said about the Masters, it's tricky.

On the first hole I hit a monster drive down the left (non-ocean) side and landed 118 yds from the green. The view from the fairway to the first green is pretty intimidating. The green is elevated, protected in the front with a massive bunker and in the back is a cliff wall with a waterfall. What you can't see is a little stream that runs directly in front of the green.

The GPS (which was mounted on the cart and parked on the path because of reseeding) said 118 yds so I figured about 124. That's an 8 iron for me. I hit a second beautiful shot exactly at the pin. I'm thinking I'm gonna have a great round. I couldn't see it land because I was below the green and when I got up there I couldn't see the ball.

The reason I couldn't see the ball was because only the top half of it was showing in the rough next to the stream. I had plugged it. I took a mighty swing which spayed mud all over my shirt and moved the ball about 7 inches to the right. Net result is I came away with the first of many double bogies.

It is a beautiful course, and given that we were the only people on it for half the game, it went quickly. I'd like to play it again but $300?

My regular course is Westchester located next to LAX. It's an oddball 15 hole course owned by the airport and operated by American Golf. There are no ocean views, however there is a nice view of runway 25L on the 12th hole. There is no rambling stream, just a pond in front of number 2 which is the home of a flock of attack geese. There are no draught resit ant plants and grass, consequently every place you land during the summer is a tight lie. Just like Saint Andrews?

So why play this little course? And why do sooo many people play it on the weekend? I really don't have a clue. I play there because I know the people and they know me. I play there because my friends play there. I play there because it cost $23 a round. Perhaps more importantly, I play there because we have a standing tee time.

So that brings me back to Trump. What did I get for the $277 more than it cost for Westchester. Was it the ocean views, was it the GPS that I couldn't use cause the cart was always on the path, was it the prestige of playing a Trump course? I'm thinking I could have played Westchester 10 times for the difference in fees.

Note to Donald: my pain threshold is $50. If you can get me and my guys guaranteed tee times for Saturday morning I will encourage them to switch. That would be about $1500 per Saturday (including beer purchases) and you'd have to give us the same deferential treatment we get from Westchester. Yes we're a bit rowdy and not the best dressers, but think of it as getting back at those snobs in Rancho Palos Verde.

This offer is good for five days.

I'm waiting Donald.

Golf - The One That Got Away

I think the last time I went fishing was with my Dad when I was 12 years old so that would be about 50 years ago. Fishing to me consisted pretty much of standing on a bank getting eaten by mosquitoes and watching the copperheads slither into the water. Fishing pretty much sucked.

While I didn't fish after that I did hang around some fishermen and it seems they all have a story about the one that got away. Depending on what species of fish they were going after, the one that got away could range from a 2 foot catfish to Moby Dick. These stories are obviously pure fabrication but they are acceptable and almost expected among the brotherhood of fishermen.

Golf on the other hand, is a Gentleman's Sport where prevarications (big word huh?) are not welcome. If a golfer's story doesn't exactly ring true, it's not a lie, it's just that the game tends to muddy up short term and long term memory.

This past Saturday we had finished up and I was tallying the scores and figuring out who won what skins. My buddy Dave shot an even par 52. That was the first time he's shot par in the two years we have been playing together. He thought he had a handicap of 7 so he was pretty sure he would win the low net game our group has. It became my duty, as the keeper of the handicaps, to let Dave know he was a 5 not a 7.

"What?? How could I be a 5? I haven't shot under 6 over in 5 years. You're crazy. Somethings wrong with that handicap!"

I used to get upset when people would go off like that. I used to take the time to explain that the handicap is based on the two best scores out of the last ten but then I just gave up. Now I give them a card with my Pay Pal email address and tell them for $20 I will do an exhaustive analysis of their handicap standing. Nobody has taken me up on it.

So while Dave is ranting about his handicap the next group arrives and Danny, a 1 handicap complains that he missed 3 birdie putts by inches. By the time the next group arrives, Danny's three birdie misses has grown to four birdie misses. Russ, a 17 handicap chimes in that he missed 8 birdie putts on the par 4s but goes on to explain that his third shot was typically from the fairway and it's really tough to read the green when you're that far away.

Not to be outdone, my nemesis Chris Johnson walks up to me and wants to know if that was me on number eleven (referring to our closest to the pin game). So I tell him "yeah that's me." He then tells me he missed beating me by an inch and a half. Notice he didn't say that I beat him by an inch and a half but he just missed beating me. I told him to go talk to Danny about his birdies.

I'm sitting there imagining about all these amazing games these guys almost played when Tad, our resident Japanese hustler, comes up to me and says "Chris, you got me trouble with wife!" With his wife? I don't keep her handicap.

"You put that post on website about Reginia want to chat with me."

Ah yes Reginia. Several weeks ago Reginia Gillepsi joined our golf site as a member. Her photo is like one of those Russian Emo girls. When Tad first saw her on the site he said "Chris, you got send message to her. Find out why she member." I told Tad to send her a message himself.

However I did do some research and Googled her name and found her on some site about Michael Jackson. Turns out she promises that you will really enjoy her videos if you just email her. My guess is Reginia is really an old overweight bald white guy trying to make a buck from porn.

So I went to our site and left the message "Tad, Reginia says she wants to chat with you." Apparently Mrs Itow was not pleased with the idea.

And so what does any of this have to do with golf. Nothing except that as much enjoyment we get from actually playing the game, it really doesn't compare to describing it to others with your own editorial spin. The fact that guys can lie to each other and nobody gets offended is proof that Golf should become a mainstay in this nation's diplomatic efforts.

Can't you just see Hillary and Obama playing a foursome with Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu. Wouldn't it be nice if Kim il Sung took a break from building nuclear weapons, put on some plaid pants and those enormous black sunglasses, grabbed his "Hammer" driver and hit the links? Let the game humble the world leaders a bit and maybe we can find a way to co-exist. Hmm, maybe I should submit this entry to the Nobel committee.

The Three And A Half Foot Golfer

This little guy has an eight year old brother who is part of the First Tee group at our course. Mom is the chauffeur and while the eight year old goes off to learn the game, the little guy entertains himself on the practice green.

Sometimes he has the chopped down putter like in the picture but other times he uses a standard sized putter and when he does it's a wise idea to give him plenty of room. He grabs that standard putter way down on the shaft so when he's bent over a putt, there's about 12 inches of shaft extending behind him and it's at groin level. He has a pretty aggressive putting stroke and if that shaft makes contact with your body, no amount of stretching exercise is gonna get rid of the pain.

There are a lot of people, to include the CEO of Callaway, who say golf is a dying sport. It's hard for me to understand how that could be with all the kids that I see on the course today. Back in the early 60's, the only kids you saw at a course were carrying bags for a quarter. It's always been my contention that the sport is dying not from a lack of demand, but from a lack of access.

Golf courses are closing and others are increasing fees. New courses are more often than not, associated with resorts or housing developments and one wonders how they will fare in this down sized economy. The Plantation course at Kapalua in Maui was sold last January because it was losing money. If you can't make a buck when you charge $250 a round, something is seriously wrong with your business plan.

So I think access in the sense that there are fewer tee times available and that the cost to play is skyrocketing, is probably the biggest threat to golf as a recreational sport. But then again I could be wrong.

In a recent post on Real Women Golf, there were a number of stories regarding the treatment of women, not on the course, but in the clubhouse. In one instance a gal who had finished her round decided to get lunch at the grill only to be told that it was the Men's Lounge and she would have to eat in the much smaller and less comfortable Ladies Lounge.

OK I thought this was a bit weird but also an isolated incident at some snob club. However, that article got a number of comments from women who were experiencing the same thing at both semi private and public courses.

When did golf become the sport of Islam? How many courses do the Quakers and Shakers own? I thought this kind of separating the sexes thinking went out with polyester. You want to cut down the interest in the sport, just make it a humiliating experience for the participants and you're well on your way.

For some reason this triggered a flashback to the snottiest club I have ever played, the Carolina Country Club in Raleigh. This was in the early 80's and my father in-law (a guy I really disliked) took me and my brother in-law (a guy I really liked) to play a round.

The Carolina Club is old, old, old Raleigh money so my first thought was how in the hell did my life insurance selling father in-law get accepted to this place. The course itself (designed by Donald Ross) is fantastic but I got the sense that it was just a prop, an excuse to hang out with other self important people.

I'm certain that my egalitarian mindset made things seem worse than they were, but to me everything seemed to reek of superiority. Our crap doesn't stink and if your not a member here, yours does. Of course all the help was black and deferential. You'd call the waiter by his first name and he would answer using Mister. It's like these people were living out Gone With the Wind.

So I thought, that's been 30 years ago and I'm certain things must have changed. Take a look at their website . If you actually got in, I'd really, really like to hear how things are today.

Dinah Shore was an avid golfer. Even with her money and fame, she could not belong to a private golf club in Los Angeles simply because she was a woman. Dinah said "no problem" and bought her own course in Palm Spings and the rest is history.

So when the three and a half foot golfer is six foot, what will golf look like to him. A game that everyone has a chance to enjoy, or a throwback to the Carolina Clubs of the world?

L'est We Forget

A single day to honor and remember those men and women who served our country both in war and in times of peace does not seem sufficient. How distracted we become, both as a government and as citizens, when something effects our personal standard of living. If your biggest worry is losing your home because you can't pay the mortgage, be happy it's not losing your life, or an arm, or both legs and an eye.

Between Iraq and Afghanistan we have nearly 200,000 soldiers, marines, sailors and airmen operating in parts of the world where violent death is common place. We sent them there to protect us. Let us not forget them, as a government or as citizens, when it comes time to take care of their wounds, both physical and emotional.

By all accounts, what they have dealt with or are dealing with supersedes the violence and gore of all but a few battles we have engaged in the past. They will have problems. Do not let this generation of warriors suffer the way the Viet Nam vets did. When they turn to drugs to stop the nightmares, remember we were the ones who sent them there in the first place. We are responsible for their wounds.

God bless and keep every man and woman who has ever honorably worn the uniform of our armed forces.

OK I saw this on Orlando Golf Blogger and just had to share it here. There's hope for us old farts.

Colleagues: The AARP has negotiated with the PGA to modify the rules of golf for seniors.

Rule 1.a.5 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which the groundskeeper failed to mow due to sheer laziness.

Rule 2.d.6 (b) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, no penalty of course.

Rule 3.b.3 (g) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by another golfer, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7 (h) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the rules of golf.

Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown (if in fact the golfer has the lung capacity to do so). This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k) There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds.” If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15 (z) There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers’ shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9 (s) Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

How to Deal With Golf Distractions

If you take a close look at the picture you'll see the control tower for Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) located in the background. The only thing separating these golfers on the 12th green of Westchester Golf Course and runway 25L is the six lanes of traffic on Lincoln Blvd that run between the course and the airport. LAX is the third busiest airport in the country and the number one destination for "heavies" like 747s and the new Boeing 777 flying hotel.

The whine of turbo-fans, the smell of burning rubber from hard landings and the general sense of foreboding when one of the monsters misses the runway and is waved off, just don't bother me. What bothers me is someone moving while I'm trying to putt. What bothers me is someone talking when I'm on the tee. God forbid someone puts a cart in reverse while I'm addressing the ball and that beep, beep, beep just goes on forever.

We've all experienced the distractions, and if we're honest with ourselves, we know that distraction is an internal response to an external action. Why doesn't the airport noise bother me? To me it's just ambient sound and has nothing to do with me hitting the ball. Now if I'm not bothered by four engines being thrown into reverse thrust no further than a three wood away, how can I be distracted by someone putting there club back in their bag? It's a head game and it's all about focus.

A sports psychologist suggests that there are a few tricks to keeping the focus. The first is show up at the course well hydrated, well fed, and rested. If you are missing any of these three basic requirements of staying alive, then your body is going to focus more on resolving the those shortages than on making a putt. Get plenty of sleep, drink water not soda or beer and throw away the donut and eat a sensible breakfast.

Another tip involves an old breathing exercise. If you've lost the focus and can't get it back, take 10 deep breaths. Breath in through your nose for 5 seconds and then exhale through your mouth for 5 seconds. This is known as a cleansing breath and your wife might be familiar with it as she probably used it during child birth. I've not used it on the golf course but I can tell you it works great when sitting in traffic jam and you only have 15 minutes to your next appointment.

One note of caution. If you are an older golfer like the two 81 year olds I play with, tell your partners what you are going to do before you do it so they don't mistake it for a seizure and dial 911.

Okay this one is a little over the top. Again the sports psychologist came up with this. Take a ball and fill in one of the dimples with a black sharpie. Extend your arms out even with your shoulders and interlock your fingers with the thumbs pointing up. Place the ball between your thumbs with the black dot facing you. Now stare at it. This is a field expedient means of meditation and should help you restore your focus.

The psychologist suggests you do this in the cart while your partner drives. Now I don't know about you, but if I saw some dude riding in the cart with his arms out staring at a ball, I'd be on the cell to the starter telling him he had a drug problem on the course.

These tips have a place in your game, but really they are only treating the symptoms not the core problem.

Imagine arriving at a busy construction site where you see a carpenter preparing to drive a nail into a board. He draws back his hammer and then suddenly stops. "Someone moved" he shouts. Then he draws back again and this time screams "someone turn that saw off". Ridiculous? Of course.

That carpenter, using a heavier tool than a club and striking a target much smaller than a ball, drives that nail in over and over without being distracted by the noise or movement around him. He's in the zone. He's done this a thousand times and he knows that if he draws back so far and strikes with X amount of speed that the nail will enter the board straight. He knows it subconsciously which gives him the confidence, and his muscles remember allowing his body to perform it.

So the next time you're ready to tee it up, don't think of yourself as a golfer, think of yourself as a master carpenter. Stay within your game. You know it works so all you have to do is do it. Someone moving, someone talking or a freaking cart beeping in reverse can not physically affect the flight of your ball or the roll of your putt. See the carpenter, be the carpenter, drive the nail.

Grasshopper, get me my clubs.

How You Gonna Have A Dream Come True?

I was eleven years old when my Dad bought our first record player. It was a monster Motorola box that was the latest in High Fidelity technology. It was the 1958 equivalent of today's entertainment center as it not only played three speeds of LPs, but had an AM and FM radio as well!

To get his record collection started, Dad bought four albums; "In the Wee Small hours of the Morning" by Sinatra, "Casaloma" by Glen Miller, the soundtrack from "South Pacific" and "Music to Strip By" by I don't remember who. This last one was a marvel of '58 marketing. The album cover had three strategically placed notches from which a G String was suspended. Try doing that with a MP3.

At any rate, the only way to escape Sinatra or Miller or Broadway or bump and grind jazz in my house, was to tune in the local rock and roll(which was a whole new thing) station on my transistor radio. As a result, I can pretty much sing/hum the music from all four albums.

The one that has stuck with me the most is South Pacific. If you've never seen the movie you should. It takes you back to a kinder, gentler, more innocent time like say, World War II. If you click on that link I'll guarantee you three minutes of laughs. The one song though that I can't get out of my head is Happy Talk. It's sung by the character Bloody Mary who is trying to hook up her daughter with a Navy Ensign. The part that sticks with me is:

You got to have a dream
If you don't got a dream
How you gonna have a dream come true

Today we would probably call Bloody Mary a life counselor for dispensing these words of wisdom. I mean you can take those three lines and apply them to any part of your life and they make sense. However, mostly those lines are banging around my brain as I approach the first tee.

Most instructors will tell you to visualize the shot. I'm thinking you ought to dream not only the shot, but your entire golf "career". What's your dream? Break 80? Shoot scratch golf? Win a tournament? Or that stupid dream we all have entertained at some point, find a way to go some kind of pro and make money doing the thing we love. If you've got a dream then each tee shot, each approach, each putt and each round is a step towards having your dream come true. In other words, the dreaming part of the game starts well before you set foot on the first tee.

I have a buddy who absolutely hates the par three 12th hole at our course. The cart path runs down the left side and then takes a hard left to the 13th. The path is marked with ropes starting about 20 yards from the 12th and these ropes of course are supported by stakes. I don't know how many times my buddy has pulled his shot left, hit the rock hard cart path, got an incredible run at the green only to hit one of the supporting stakes and go skittering over near the fence. "Why do they put stakes right in front of the damn green?" he screams. I remind him that they are not directly in front of the green and if he would just hit in the fairway, or better yet, just land on the green in regulation and not take a trip down the cart path,then he would take the stakes out of play.

He starts mumbling about the 12th hole as we are coming off the 11th. God forbid the pin placement is anywhere on the left side of the green. If it is we will be listening to pre-shot bitching, a moment of silence as he pulls his shot left, and then post-shot bitching. My buddy needs a dream.

So if there is a lesson to be learned it's that the biggest tool you have to a great game of golf can not be found in your bag. It's located between your ears. You got to have a dream. If you not got a dream. How you gonna have a dream come true?

Gambling, a Guide to Better Golf

I've been on a roll since the beginning of the year. My game has improved significantly, and as it improves I try harder. What happened? The easy answer is the new putter I treated myself to for Christmas. However I've been around this game long enough to know that at the level I play, it's not the putter it's the puttee.

I go back to the first Saturday in January which was a cold and gloomy day and only about half of our group showed up to play. Another way of looking at it is that only half the competition showed up and those that did weren't the best. I got lucky and won two holes and suddenly I'm leading the money list for the first time ever. Of course that lead was lost the next week when everybody, including the scratch golfers, showed up in the So Cal sun and promptly blanked me.

But I had tasted what it was like to win and the taste was sweet. Since then the sole mission was to win the bets. The group as a whole has three bets and the most you can lose is $8. Our foursome plays skins that could cost $5 or $6. Lastly I have a modified Nassau bet with one of the guys with a maximum loss potential of $10. So before I leave the house on Saturday morning I check my wallet to make sure there's enough cash to cover the "perfect storm" scenario where I lose the max on everything. Up until last Saturday that's never happened.

Lee Trevino has always been one of my heroes. He grew up as a scrappy Tex-Mex hustling rich white guys on courses that he would never had been allowed to play if they hadn't invited him. As a Pro he was interviewed about the pressure he felt when putting for the win with a large purse at stake and a 1 stroke lead. Recalling his days as a hustler, Trevino said "That's not pressure. Pressure is when you've made a $50 bet and you only have $30 in your pocket." And that my friends is what I call a great golf tip.

Gambling gives you focus and gets your competitive juices flowing. I think it also allows you to organize your game more effectively. You tend to plan the way you're going to play the hole knowing which one's you can attack and which ones you have to be more conservative. In other words, you are focused enough to know to play within your game and you are not taking long odds shots. And why do you play this way? Because you want to win. You want to be at the or near the top of the money list.

Several years ago I worked at a place that posted the gross revenue of each salesman in the organization on a whiteboard in the front of our office. The last thing you wanted was to be at the bottom; even though our performance as a whole meant the guy on the bottom was well above what the company required. So if you're meeting expectations, why bust your butt to be at the top. Validation. You want recognition that you're one of the best.

In tournaments you get a trophy. With our group you get cash. That's the validation. That generates the environment conducive to a laser like focus. If you're winning it's easier than if your losing.

That's what happened to me last Saturday. It wasn't that I forgot about the game, it was I forgot about the gambling. I had other things on my mind and by the time I snapped out of it I was well behind on all the bets. When you're losing it takes (at least for me) a Herculean effort to get the focus and confidence back. I still have to work on that part of the game.

So if you're having difficulty right now, put some pressure on and get a little game going.

That Little Game We Play

This Saturday I got to the course earlier than normal so I could hit a bucket of balls. Normally I don't practice on the range as all it seems to do for me is confirm my lack of confidence in any club I pick up. Why spend $4 when I can crush all positive thoughts about my game by simply recalling the last one I played?

This time was different though. This time I was armed with my iPod and a newly downloaded track that was going to give me tempo, tempo, tempo. Actually it seemed to be working. There were a few miscues but I was thinking my $4.98 purchase was a pretty savvy buying decision.

Then two of my buddies show up at the bays just to my left and the first thing out of one of them is "Smith, you look like a 16 year old teenager with that iPod hanging out of your ears." I was pretty sure he was not commenting on my youthful appearance but rather on what he thought was my less than fully mature mental capacity.

So I turn the thing off and begin to explain the science behind the rhythm of the music and the click signals for takeaway. downswing and impact. I then demonstrate by turning the track back on and skulling the first ball. The big banana slice the second ball produced actually was a thing of beauty to watch. Plenty of hang time. So I'm bearing down on the third ball when it hits me. This is just like in the game!

On the range there's no pressure. It's just you and the ball. Unless of course, you allow pressure to join you like trying to prove your $4.98 purchase wasn't really a folly.

About the time I said "screw it" and packed up to head to the club house, J.K., the guy with the comment, whips out a piece of paper where I, as the webmaster of our little site, had screwed up the posting of his total winnings.

Let me explain. Our group has about 25 people in it and on any given Saturday 18 to 23 will show up. We have three bets; closest to the pin, low net and team score. I keep a running total on who won what that week and what their cumulative winnings are. That J.K. was so concerned that he wasn't ranked as high as he should be that he wrote a note describing where my error in posting was, speaks volumes about the pressure of the little game we play.

I mean it's just a game right? Actually it is just a game if you're winning. If your losing it takes on a more sinister aura. My friend Dave describes it like this:

"Is that my good buddy and best friend Chris in the two foot rough? Or is he the worthless SOB on the green next to the pin?"

I played with a guy for a couple of years in a 25 cent skins game. Every time someone was putting to win the hole he would take the pinky finger of his right hand and point it away from the hole hoping that would make the putt miss. If the putt did miss he yell "Aha!" and mumble something none of us understood. He was from Louisiana however, so maybe he bought some kind of Voodoo Golf training tape.

But when it's all over and the scores are in and there's nothing left to do but read 'em and weep, everyone reverts back to best pals again.

How do we get so warped over this little game we play?

Hey Sergio, Your Mommy Says It's Time To Come Home.

What a piece of work the number 3 golfer in the world is. I really didn't want to join in on the Sergio bashing that's been going on since last Sunday, but the guy is just so irritating.

Up until now I thought the most disgusting thing I've seen done by a professional golfer was the YouTube video of John Daly, bare chested, bare footed, gulping beer and giving a reporter a tour of his new golf course in, where else, Branson, Missouri. But in retrospect, Daly is just an Okie Alkie who is lucky he took up golf rather than NASCAR racing. What else can you expect?

Sergio however, has some amazing golf talent and the potential to be number one. So when asked why the poor performance at the Masters he bashes the course not his own inept play. "I don't think it's fair" and "the course is too tricky".

Too tricky? What, did the Tournament Committee give Padraig a secret course decoder ring so he could figure out the tricky spots?

Everyone knows the first rule of amateur golf is that bad shots can be blamed on the equipment. While it's not quite as acceptable for a pro to use that excuse, if you have to whine, do it about something that is unique to yourself like equipment, or your shoes were too tight, or your caddy is blind, or you tied one on the night before. Don't blame it on something that is common to all of your competitors like say, the golf course.

Everyone played that tricky course and all but seven played it better than Sergio. Sergio, maybe your playing just sucked.

When asked what he would like to see changed on the course he responded "I don't care. I just come and play and then go home."

Sergio, your Mommy's calling!

How You Look At Success

From the 10th tee box of our course you can easily see the practice green. Over the past two years there has been a quantum leap in the number of four foot golfers with chopped down putters. It is refreshing and amusing to see these kids either gleefully wailing away with the putter skidding the ball 30 feet into an elderly Asian guy who doesn't see the humor, or scrunched over a 3 foot putt with faces screwed up in concentration like only a kid can do. If they sink one, by accident or skill, they turn on an expression of achievement and a 10,000 watt smile.

That's the four and five year olds. By the time they hit the ripe old age of six, showing that kind of uninhibited joy just isn't cool. What's cool is to do the golfer stud walk over to the hole, pick up your ball, casually drop it back on the green and putt it again. Aint no big thang. Inside I know that kid is screaming YES!

And that brings me to Heather. She's the cute gal in the photo. Heather and her boyfriend (now fiance) Jeff joined our group about two years ago. Jeff is a pretty competitive golfer (until he screwed up his rotator cup) and Heather was just learning how to play.

This past Saturday Heather shot a 65, her best ever. Now understand we play at Westchester in Los Angeles which is an executive course with 15 holes and a par round is 52. This may sound like a miniature golf course to some of you but the greens are sweet and the ocean "breeze" makes it pretty sporty.

So the thirty something Heather is standing on a picnic table bench doing that little dance you do and it is obvious that she is not suffering from the same inhibitions of the six year old mentioned above. She breaks out into a "I beat Geoff by 9 strokes" chant repeating it over and over with enthusiasm. Geoff is the "Commissioner" of our group, and if the truth be told, beating him by 9 strokes aint no big thang. Out of 23 golfers that played the round, 21 beat Geoff by a combined average of 15 strokes.

However, it put a big grin on my face to see an adult demonstrating the same exuberance as a five year old. It made me feel good just seeing it and I wondered why can't we, as adults, be that open all the time.

Coincidentally, I also shot my personal best round that day, a 2 over 54.
I however, did not dance on the bench chanting I beat Geoff by 20 strokes. No, I was regretting the missed birdie and the scuffed par putt that would have put me at my goal of even par. Why is that I wonder? Is it the glass half full or half empty syndrome? I don't think so. I think that Heather blasted past her expectations and I didn't quite get to mine.

And then there's Geoff who shot a 74. He was just happy that he beat Tom.

The Fine Art of Golf Ball Marking

While not required by the rules of golf, it is highly encouraged that you mark your ball in a distinctive manner to enable you and your partners to easily identify the little white thing buried in the four inch rough. We've all seen the typical two red dots or two black dots or the occasional rebel who puts three dots on his ball. There are also those, who in giant font, inscribe their initials or first name if it can be spelled with three letters or less (Joe, Bob, Duh).

Several years ago I received a ball marking machine from my in laws. It was designed to imprint three initials. With a little work and a lot of time I was able to mark three balls with "Mine Not Yours". I promptly lost two of them and one of my partners hit the third one into the pond. Ah well.

I follow a golf blog Brads Wonderful World of Golf who is sponsoring a ball marking contest in the month of April. Pop over there for the details. I really can't wait to see what works of art respond to the contest and I'll be sure to report on the winners when they are decided in the first week of May.

OK you may have noticed the photo of a Nike marked with three dots two eyebrows and a tongue. Yes that's my entry. No I don't play with it. For some of you sharp eyed readers, you may have already picked up on this ball being a Nike "practice ball". A nice euphemism for X-Out.

I got a box of these things from a well meaning but cheap co-worker who was my Secret Santa many years ago. Really nice gal but she was into Phillipean ethnic dancing not golf. She can't pick out golf balls and I can't pick out jewelry. Fortunately she can. We were both in Huatulco Mexico as winners of a sales contest (along wit the rest of our sales team) and she picked out a beautiful necklace for my wife. It made an excellent guilt gift.

Hualtulco has one golf course and a unique design philosophy that trees should not be removed even if they are in the middle of the fairway. But that's another post.

So check out the ball marking contest or maybe even enter it. Good luck.

Is Golf Dying?

I recently received my Callaway catalog in the mail and one of the lead stories was by George Fellows the CEO on how golf was a dying sport. According to Fellows, golf is dying because it's not growing. He goes on to site lower rounds played, lower viewing audiences and fewer new people taking up the game.

Fellows blames, in part, the discrimination by many clubs against women and juniors with regards to tee time availability. The apparent industry logic that when a male hits 50 or 60 he will automatically wake up one morning and decide that he'll become a golfer is another of Fellow's concerns.

To counter this trend, Fellows wants to see more effort in recruiting youth into the sport. Father son, Mom daughter, or even family team tournaments should be encouraged to get the game going again. In other words, new blood, and more importantly to Callaway, new customers are needed to keep the game viable.

I'm not real sure I know who George has been talking to or what clubs he has been visiting. If he's talking about private courses he probably is correct. However, a glance at any public course in Southern California would seem to counter his observations. Ladies' clubs have popped up that are often times larger than the men's clubs at public courses. Kids? There are so many blue shirted players with chopped down clubs you begin to wonder if there any left to play soccer.

Young adults? Probably the most annoying of all when viewed thru my old eyes. Or maybe I'm just jealous. There is one group of pub crawlers that hold a Triathlon at our course every year. The three sports involved are bowling, golf and pool and they are all played in the same day. By the time they finish their bowling tournament (which starts at 6:00 AM) and get to the course they are well lubricated. Usually they can get around with no major injuries and then pile into their charter bus and head to their final venue, a bar, to play their pool tournament. Bastards never invited me.

A bigger threat to golf is the price of land even in these troubled times. Golf courses that are not part of a development, are not nearly as profitable as say a Mac Mansion development. Fewer courses drives competition for tee times up which drives greens fees up. Add to this mix an increasing practice of municipalities to add additional taxes and fees in an effort to raise money where it can, and you start to price out the very people you need to keep the game alive. In essence you have a recipe for turning the game of golf back to the elitist activity it was 50 years ago.

So is golf dying or is it just being priced out of reach? I still don't understand families that shell out $300 to see a Dodgers' game so maybe I'm not on track here. All I can report is golf seems very much alive (and crowded) in So Cal.

Is Golf a Sport?

Is Golf a sport?

About 30 years ago I was riding in a car with my pompous ass sales manager when we drove by a golf course. "Golf isn't a sport" he said. "Nothing but a bunch of fat asses riding around in carts and drinking beer".

Obviously he didn't know I was a golfer. However thinking back on that jerk, maybe he did and was just trying to put me down. Thirty years ago I was not fat and I walked the course saving the cost of a cart so I could buy more beer. Okay so I fit one of his criteria, big deal.

He of course was a tennis player; the snottiest of the snobbiest.

But is golf a sport? Is walking, or riding, 6500 yards or so and wailing away with a club 80 or 90 times really an athletic activity?

According to Rose Center for Health and Sports Sciences in Denver, it is.

Neil Wolkodoff, the director of the center, examined the play of eight better than average players and and tracked their heart rate, oxygen consumption, carbon dioxide production, and how far they were walking through a few rounds. Wolkodoff said "The study shows there's significant energy expenditure in golf, more than bowling and some other sports it's been compared to. "There are a lot of sports that don't have this level of energy expenditure."

Golfers who walk and carry their clubs burn about 720 calories in a round. The fat guys in carts burn about 410. That's more than an Olympic Curling player at 345. So if you measure it by the energy expended then it ranks higher than at least one Olympic sport.

I'm not sure that's the best way to look at it as I'm guessing pushing a lawn mower over a large yard and raking up the stuff afterwards probably expends more calories than golf. Last time I checked the sports section there wasn't a listing for professional or amateur lawn mowing.

Then there is the image problem. You've got a buffed up Tiger Woods, obviously an athlete; and then you have John Daly's beer gut.

So I guess it's a sport if you think it's a sport. I'm thinking that a Lacross player (another sport that is not in the Olympics) probably thinks those pansy asses in their cute white shorts playing tennis aren't really playing a sport either.

Garcia Could Dethrone Tiger

144 weeks ago, Tiger Woods took the top spot in golf from Vijay Singh and has held on to it ever since. This week at Doral, Sergio Garcia has a mathmatical shot of taking the top spot. Garcia trails Woods by a little over 1 point. How did that happen you ask? Well Woods took eight months off because of a bumb knee. Woods had such a huge lead that he could kick back and not compete and still be number one.

What happens if Garcia wins at Doral? He's the number one golfer with all the press fuss and hooplah that goes with it. He's on top of the world. And then in two weeks Tiger wins the Masters and snatches back the title. Poor Sergio.

We've got a guy in our group, who relatively speaking, is our Tiger Woods. His name is Tad Itow and the little bugger can do no wrong. In the last five weeks he has won the low gross game four times. He tops our money list winning double what the number two guy, me, has won.

You can't help but like Tad when you first meet him. He's my age, kinda quiet and unassuming, very friendly. However, if this guy had been around in the early 40's, he probably would have been in charge of planning the attack on Pearl Harbor.

We play closest to the pin on the par threes and there is nothing more demoralizing than hitting the green with a competitive shot of seven feet or less; then watching Tad stick it inside three. "Oh, is that my ball? So sorry." "You had a good shot. I just got lucky."

And then he gets "lucky" two or three more times in the round.

It's our custom after the round to sit at the picnic tables outside the club house and calculate who won what over beer and bangers. If you are closest on a par 3, you walk around to each of the 20 to 25 guys and collect a dollar. Normally it's a pretty civilized ritual with "good shot" "way to go" often heard. When Itow makes the rounds, he always says thank you as he takes your cash.

There are some in our group who get a bit creative in delivering their dollar when Tad is the winner. This includes sticking the dollar under their belt buckle, rolling the dollar up and sticking it in the left nostril, wiping their butt with the dollar before passing it on, and other unique alternatives to simply handing over the money. The Brits in our group are particularly inventive. I think it has something to do with the funny hats they wear.

Is Tad offended? Who knows. He just smiles, does a little bow, and puts $75 in his pocket.

That Little Dance You Do

Its a two foot putt down hill with a little left break and there are four skins in you drain it. On the practice green you'd be dropping these all day long. But here there are three sets of eyes watching, three brains sending out negative telepathic signals. You start calculating how much you will win; start projecting out to the remaining holes and predicting which of those you have a shot at. You focus on future events rather than the one at hand.

And then it starts. You feel it in your arms first as the muscles tighten. Then it creeps into your hands and your knuckles turn white from the death grip on the shaft. Your legs don't feel balanced. And the questions start. How far back do I take it? How much pace on the ball? Should I baby it in and not risk blowing past the hole? Am I taking too much time?

So you hit it.

It trickles down on a line right of the hole and at the last millisecond cuts left and drops in.

Your arms go up, a leg goes up, and you hop around. It's that little dance you do.

Nobody teaches you this. That little dance is a sub primal instinct that has been inside man since the dawn of time. If you look for it you can see it on every golf course. Three hundred pounders in plaid are doing their best imitation of ballet dancers on drugs. Generally, the poorer the golf skills the longer the dance.

Somebody with better video editing skills than I have is missing out on a great viral clip.

Thank You Ben Hogan

Every golfer goes through ups and downs in the game. Humiliation is, after all, a major part of the sport. Golf is a real test of how you handle humiliation. We've all been there. Nothing goes right (except your slice), you swear, you throw clubs in the pond and generally make an ass out of yourself in front of your group. If it wasn't for the money you were losing to them they would probably tell you to shut up and get off the course.

Then something happens and you seem to be back on course. Many times that "something" is an unfounded confidence in a new club (see Truism #2). Typically this new found confidence disappears before the Master Card bill for the new club reaches your mailbox.

For me it was a bit more lasting.

When my parents where getting ready to move from Chicago to Naples Fl, my Dad found a book as he was cleaning out the attic. It was Ben Hogans' "The Modern Fundamentals of Golf". Dad was not a golfer. He'd go to golf outings to be with his buddies and drink beer. He discribed his golf swing as "killing snakes" and in fact cleared enough land with his divots to start a small corn field. Rather than toss the book he sent it to his golfaholic son in California.

I didn't read it for a year. I mean the book says "Modern Fundamentals" but it was printed in 1957. Isn't that like building a plane based on Wilbur Wright's "Fundamentals of Modern Aerodesign"?

When my game cycled back down into the dumps I decided I needed to do something and I didn't want to spend money on a new club. I cracked open the book and started to read.

Two things jumped out at me. First was the language. It was different, it was more formal, it was 40 years old. Then the illustrations. They were detailed. You could see the position of hands, see what muscles were being used. This was not a book on "golf tips"; this was a book on how to swing the club. Hogan explains how the body parts work in a coordinated fashion and he does it in a fashion that you can feel when you practice. This guy is a genius.

I went out to the range and hit a few buckets. I was amazed at how straight and long I was hitting with no desernable effort. Tempo, tempo, tempo! Ka-Ching, Ka-Ching, Ka-Ching.

That was about 10 years ago and I still get people commenting on my smooth swing. I can't putt for crap but at least I don't embarass myself off the tee. I would highly recommend this book for anybody who is struggling with their swing.

Thanks Ben!

What's In a Name

I guess if I put a little thought in it before I named this blog, I wouldn't have Google ads touting all the expensive rehab centers in California. Not that a golf rehab center isn't a bad idea for those who are truely over the top. I mean an addiction is an addiction, I'm just not sure what a golf rehab would look like.

Would it be at a beautiful manor surrounded by carefully tended gardens and relaxing pools? Nah. That's like being at the clubhouse of an expensive course with a bunch of water hazards. How would that help break the habit. I'm thinking it should be on a goat farm somewhere in the boonies preferably on a flat piece of ground with no trees.

Physical exercise is an important part of any rehabilitation. Take the wedge out of the addict's hand and give him an old fashioned sythe then point him towards a field of weeds. This effectively redirects the need to swing a club into a more productive activity. Don't give him a glove.

Golf is a quiet game of concentration. I suggest that the addict be exposed to loud noise, say a constantly running diesel engine or over amped country music. Having Miss Bud Lite of 1983 as the chief counsler would also create the real life distraction that the addict has to learn to face up to.

Twenty-eight days of treatment and the addict will be well on his way...hmmm.

Goat farm, weeds, boonies, loud trucks and slutty women. My God they've turned him into a NASCAR fan!

Your Relationship With Your Putter

When I first started to take this game seriously I was stationed at Ft. McClellan, Alabama. My BOQ overlooked the 12th hole of the Post's course where, for $13 a month, I could play unlimited golf. I started out with a used set of Northwesterns and a burning desire and absolutely no skill. Unfortunately most of my partners were about as skillful as I was so there was no learning from them. It seems that you can't become proficient in golf in the Army until you reach field grade rank. I'm thinking they had more time on their hands than a lowly Captain.

I have fond memories of that place despite the fact that it cost me more in lost balls than monthly membership to play it. The only tournament I've ever won was the annual Callaway at McClellan. How does a hacker win a tournament you ask? Google Callaway handicapping system and you'll have your answer. You throw out your high scoring hole, divide by the phase of the moon and...well you get the picture.

In that bag of rusty Northwesterns was my first putter, also a Northwestern. Its a flat blade that looks like a miniature golf castoff and it got a lot of laughs through the years. Every now and then I would give in to the unrational idea that the putter was making me miss the putts and go out and buy a new one. When sanity returned and I realized that I was the problem not the club, I'd go back to the old Northwestern and like a faithful family dog it would serve me well.

This Christmas I bought a Liquid Metal blade putter. I almost felt like I was cheating on the old Northwestern. Here I was, running off to the course with this beautiful shiny putter that feels so good in my hands and rolls the ball so true, and the Northwestern sits in a dust covered bag in the garage. There are times when I spot it and I think of all the places we've gone together. Hilton Head, Myrtle Beach, Maui, Jamaica, Vegas all felt the sweep of that ugly little club. I won my fair share of skins and snakes and greenies with that putter. Thirty years is a long time. I'm thinking maybe I'll bring it inside and put in in my office.

We've all been here

It's The Equipment Stupid!

The first Truism of amateur golf is all bad shots can be blamed on the equipment. The second Truism is the fastest way to improve your game is to buy new equipment.

Can you remember the last technological breakthrough that greatly enhanced the performance of say, a basketball? How about a baseball glove? A football? Hockey stick?

I just received my Golfsmith catalog and the cover screams "New For '09". That's not really true. What it should say is "New for February 19, 2008 at 2:34 PM (PST)" because next month's magazine is going to scream about more new stuff.

All the manufacturers understand the first two Truisms of golf and they've created the equivalent of a golf arms race. Your opponent buys a Cobra S9-1 driver and you have to counter by buying a S9-1 pro D. They even sound like missile names.

If these new clubs really are better, why didn't they just take a little time to develop the new technology and incorporate the improvements into the original model? Why not come out with the ultimate line of clubs once a year like the auto companies?

What a stupid question. Cobra, Taylormade, Cleveland, all of them know that golfers, particularly bad golfers, will pay to "improve" their game. The only real question is how they grab that golfer's money away from the competition. The answer is they make up secret code that nobody understands but that sounds impressive.

From Cobra:
Enhanced internal frequency tuning; and Adjustable Flight Technology. (look out Russia)
From Ping:
Plasma-welded faces for increased ball speeds and distance. (take that America)
From Lynx:
Dynamically Optimized CT. WTF is that!

And on and on. My advice is to spend the money on lessons!

Golf. It's Not Your Grandpa's Game

Fifty years ago golf was pretty much for fat rich white guys in plaid pants. I'm not sure that they were addicted to the game. I think they just enjoyed the elitist rush they got by playing in private clubs away from the unclean public.

Then along came Palmer, Sanders, Chi Chi and a host of others and suddenly there were a bunch of not so rich white guys wearing plaid pants teeing it up on public courses. Then Dinah Shore started a tournament of her own because she wasn't allowed, as a woman, to join any of the private clubs in L.A. Slowly the white guys were sharing the public course with the "ladies".

And then along comes Tiger and suddenly the clubhouse is full of people that you pass by every work day at the bus stop. Its like people wake up one Saturday morning and think, Golf, what a great idea I think I'll go out and try that today and really piss off the people behind me.

And kids! Lots of kids in blue shirts and caps. When our group comes in, the First Tee group is just going out. The adults who coach this are much worse than any little league Dad/Coach or Soccer Mom. That said, it is a great program but its spawning more competition for tee times.

Thirty years ago you could get a 2 bedroom condo, free breakfast, and a round of golf at Myrtle Beach for under $40 per player. Damn you Tiger!

Westchester Golf Course, Cleaner Than a Crack House

Westchester Golf Course, not the one in New York the one next to LAX, is where my favorite group of addicts show up every Saturday. We have a group of 27 of which 14 are certifiable addicts. Actually anyone who plays there more than once must have some touch of the addiction. Westchester is owned by the L.A. Airport who ripped out 3 holes for a road expansion (they promise to rebuild them) is adjacent to a park where high schools routinely have battle of the bands concerts, and of course it lies directly across from the runway of the country's third busiest airport. The greens however, are sweet.

Our group is a mixed bag. We range in age from 25 to 81. From a couple of scratch golfers to a 21 handicap. We have a sprinkling of Brits, one of whom brings "bangers" from his shop for our lunch, carpenters, professional comedian, paint salesman, realtor, advertising guy, insurance broker, property manager and the list goes on. We have very little in common except our friendship and the addiction to golf.

For those of you who are as old as me you can remember as a kid when you not only knew your neighbors, you actually interacted with them. In my old neighborhood we had the same kind of mix that my golf group has and maybe that's one of the core causes of the addiction. Golf it seems, fills that need to belong. If we get to the point where we all wear blue bandanas and start flashing signs, I'll know we have gone too far.

At any rate its a great group and we play closest to the pin, low net, low gross and all the other side bets that are typical of the addiction. Last year we should have issued 1099s to a couple of guys.

If you want to see how these addicts interact go to www.bushsmith.ning.com

The Ten Truisms of Amateur Golf

Almost all bad shots can be blamed on the equipment.

The quickest way to improve your game is to buy new equipment.

Tiger Woods is perhaps the greatest professional golfer of all time. You can dress like Tiger, fist pump like Tiger, buy Nike clothes and equipment, and maybe even bounce a ball on a wedge like Tiger; but you will never, never play as well as Tiger. Get over it. Lower your expectations and hope you earn a name like Raccoon Jones or Junkyard Smith.

It is only acceptable to step on an opponent’s ball or otherwise impair his lie if you can do so undetected and the action will insure that you win the hole. Messing with the ball out of pure malice is totally unacceptable. This is, after all, a Gentlemen’s game.

Rain delays are a convenient break in the action that should be used to consume another adult beverage.

Foursomes, like marriages, should not be dissolved unless the new player looks like easy money.

The best cure for the Yipps is to get a new putter (see truism #2)

Computing handicaps is a fine science and should be left to computers and not your tournament manager and for God’s sake not left to yourself.

Depending on your age, birdies are better than sex and an ace can lead to cardiac arrest. Golf does have its hazards.

Withdrawal symptoms will occur immediately after the 18th hole as you review in your mind all the idiotic mistakes you made. This will only encourage you to buy new equipment and show up early next week.

Golf is a sucker’s game

There's Help If You Want It

This blog is dedicated to assisting you to rationalize your unrational addiction to swatting a little white ball with a crooked stick. Golf steals your money, steals time away from family, increases your vocabulary of inventive swear words and, like the Lottery, makes you think if you play just one more time you can hit it big. I want to show you how to accept your addiction and that you are not alone. Along the way we want share other addicts stories and maybe give you some stuff that will make next Saturday the big payoff