I think the last time I went fishing was with my Dad when I was 12 years old so that would be about 50 years ago. Fishing to me consisted pretty much of standing on a bank getting eaten by mosquitoes and watching the copperheads slither into the water. Fishing pretty much sucked.
While I didn't fish after that I did hang around some fishermen and it seems they all have a story about the one that got away. Depending on what species of fish they were going after, the one that got away could range from a 2 foot catfish to Moby Dick. These stories are obviously pure fabrication but they are acceptable and almost expected among the brotherhood of fishermen.
Golf on the other hand, is a Gentleman's Sport where prevarications (big word huh?) are not welcome. If a golfer's story doesn't exactly ring true, it's not a lie, it's just that the game tends to muddy up short term and long term memory.
This past Saturday we had finished up and I was tallying the scores and figuring out who won what skins. My buddy Dave shot an even par 52. That was the first time he's shot par in the two years we have been playing together. He thought he had a handicap of 7 so he was pretty sure he would win the low net game our group has. It became my duty, as the keeper of the handicaps, to let Dave know he was a 5 not a 7.
"What?? How could I be a 5? I haven't shot under 6 over in 5 years. You're crazy. Somethings wrong with that handicap!"
I used to get upset when people would go off like that. I used to take the time to explain that the handicap is based on the two best scores out of the last ten but then I just gave up. Now I give them a card with my Pay Pal email address and tell them for $20 I will do an exhaustive analysis of their handicap standing. Nobody has taken me up on it.
So while Dave is ranting about his handicap the next group arrives and Danny, a 1 handicap complains that he missed 3 birdie putts by inches. By the time the next group arrives, Danny's three birdie misses has grown to four birdie misses. Russ, a 17 handicap chimes in that he missed 8 birdie putts on the par 4s but goes on to explain that his third shot was typically from the fairway and it's really tough to read the green when you're that far away.
Not to be outdone, my nemesis Chris Johnson walks up to me and wants to know if that was me on number eleven (referring to our closest to the pin game). So I tell him "yeah that's me." He then tells me he missed beating me by an inch and a half. Notice he didn't say that I beat him by an inch and a half but he just missed beating me. I told him to go talk to Danny about his birdies.
I'm sitting there imagining about all these amazing games these guys almost played when Tad, our resident Japanese hustler, comes up to me and says "Chris, you got me trouble with wife!" With his wife? I don't keep her handicap.
"You put that post on website about Reginia want to chat with me."
Ah yes Reginia. Several weeks ago Reginia Gillepsi joined our golf site as a member. Her photo is like one of those Russian Emo girls. When Tad first saw her on the site he said "Chris, you got send message to her. Find out why she member." I told Tad to send her a message himself.
However I did do some research and Googled her name and found her on some site about Michael Jackson. Turns out she promises that you will really enjoy her videos if you just email her. My guess is Reginia is really an old overweight bald white guy trying to make a buck from porn.
So I went to our site and left the message "Tad, Reginia says she wants to chat with you." Apparently Mrs Itow was not pleased with the idea.
And so what does any of this have to do with golf. Nothing except that as much enjoyment we get from actually playing the game, it really doesn't compare to describing it to others with your own editorial spin. The fact that guys can lie to each other and nobody gets offended is proof that Golf should become a mainstay in this nation's diplomatic efforts.
Can't you just see Hillary and Obama playing a foursome with Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu. Wouldn't it be nice if Kim il Sung took a break from building nuclear weapons, put on some plaid pants and those enormous black sunglasses, grabbed his "Hammer" driver and hit the links? Let the game humble the world leaders a bit and maybe we can find a way to co-exist. Hmm, maybe I should submit this entry to the Nobel committee.
