I guess if I put a little thought in it before I named this blog, I wouldn't have Google ads touting all the expensive rehab centers in California. Not that a golf rehab center isn't a bad idea for those who are truely over the top. I mean an addiction is an addiction, I'm just not sure what a golf rehab would look like.
Would it be at a beautiful manor surrounded by carefully tended gardens and relaxing pools? Nah. That's like being at the clubhouse of an expensive course with a bunch of water hazards. How would that help break the habit. I'm thinking it should be on a goat farm somewhere in the boonies preferably on a flat piece of ground with no trees.
Physical exercise is an important part of any rehabilitation. Take the wedge out of the addict's hand and give him an old fashioned sythe then point him towards a field of weeds. This effectively redirects the need to swing a club into a more productive activity. Don't give him a glove.
Golf is a quiet game of concentration. I suggest that the addict be exposed to loud noise, say a constantly running diesel engine or over amped country music. Having Miss Bud Lite of 1983 as the chief counsler would also create the real life distraction that the addict has to learn to face up to.
Twenty-eight days of treatment and the addict will be well on his way...hmmm.
Goat farm, weeds, boonies, loud trucks and slutty women. My God they've turned him into a NASCAR fan!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Your Relationship With Your Putter
When I first started to take this game seriously I was stationed at Ft. McClellan, Alabama. My BOQ overlooked the 12th hole of the Post's course where, for $13 a month, I could play unlimited golf. I started out with a used set of Northwesterns and a burning desire and absolutely no skill. Unfortunately most of my partners were about as skillful as I was so there was no learning from them. It seems that you can't become proficient in golf in the Army until you reach field grade rank. I'm thinking they had more time on their hands than a lowly Captain.
I have fond memories of that place despite the fact that it cost me more in lost balls than monthly membership to play it. The only tournament I've ever won was the annual Callaway at McClellan. How does a hacker win a tournament you ask? Google Callaway handicapping system and you'll have your answer. You throw out your high scoring hole, divide by the phase of the moon and...well you get the picture.
In that bag of rusty Northwesterns was my first putter, also a Northwestern. Its a flat blade that looks like a miniature golf castoff and it got a lot of laughs through the years. Every now and then I would give in to the unrational idea that the putter was making me miss the putts and go out and buy a new one. When sanity returned and I realized that I was the problem not the club, I'd go back to the old Northwestern and like a faithful family dog it would serve me well.
This Christmas I bought a Liquid Metal blade putter. I almost felt like I was cheating on the old Northwestern. Here I was, running off to the course with this beautiful shiny putter that feels so good in my hands and rolls the ball so true, and the Northwestern sits in a dust covered bag in the garage. There are times when I spot it and I think of all the places we've gone together. Hilton Head, Myrtle Beach, Maui, Jamaica, Vegas all felt the sweep of that ugly little club. I won my fair share of skins and snakes and greenies with that putter. Thirty years is a long time. I'm thinking maybe I'll bring it inside and put in in my office.
Friday, February 20, 2009
It's The Equipment Stupid!
The first Truism of amateur golf is all bad shots can be blamed on the equipment. The second Truism is the fastest way to improve your game is to buy new equipment.
Can you remember the last technological breakthrough that greatly enhanced the performance of say, a basketball? How about a baseball glove? A football? Hockey stick?
I just received my Golfsmith catalog and the cover screams "New For '09". That's not really true. What it should say is "New for February 19, 2008 at 2:34 PM (PST)" because next month's magazine is going to scream about more new stuff.
All the manufacturers understand the first two Truisms of golf and they've created the equivalent of a golf arms race. Your opponent buys a Cobra S9-1 driver and you have to counter by buying a S9-1 pro D. They even sound like missile names.
If these new clubs really are better, why didn't they just take a little time to develop the new technology and incorporate the improvements into the original model? Why not come out with the ultimate line of clubs once a year like the auto companies?
What a stupid question. Cobra, Taylormade, Cleveland, all of them know that golfers, particularly bad golfers, will pay to "improve" their game. The only real question is how they grab that golfer's money away from the competition. The answer is they make up secret code that nobody understands but that sounds impressive.
From Cobra:
Enhanced internal frequency tuning; and Adjustable Flight Technology. (look out Russia)
From Ping:
Plasma-welded faces for increased ball speeds and distance. (take that America)
From Lynx:
Dynamically Optimized CT. WTF is that!
And on and on. My advice is to spend the money on lessons!
Can you remember the last technological breakthrough that greatly enhanced the performance of say, a basketball? How about a baseball glove? A football? Hockey stick?
I just received my Golfsmith catalog and the cover screams "New For '09". That's not really true. What it should say is "New for February 19, 2008 at 2:34 PM (PST)" because next month's magazine is going to scream about more new stuff.
All the manufacturers understand the first two Truisms of golf and they've created the equivalent of a golf arms race. Your opponent buys a Cobra S9-1 driver and you have to counter by buying a S9-1 pro D. They even sound like missile names.
If these new clubs really are better, why didn't they just take a little time to develop the new technology and incorporate the improvements into the original model? Why not come out with the ultimate line of clubs once a year like the auto companies?
What a stupid question. Cobra, Taylormade, Cleveland, all of them know that golfers, particularly bad golfers, will pay to "improve" their game. The only real question is how they grab that golfer's money away from the competition. The answer is they make up secret code that nobody understands but that sounds impressive.
From Cobra:
Enhanced internal frequency tuning; and Adjustable Flight Technology. (look out Russia)
From Ping:
Plasma-welded faces for increased ball speeds and distance. (take that America)
From Lynx:
Dynamically Optimized CT. WTF is that!
And on and on. My advice is to spend the money on lessons!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Golf. It's Not Your Grandpa's Game
Fifty years ago golf was pretty much for fat rich white guys in plaid pants. I'm not sure that they were addicted to the game. I think they just enjoyed the elitist rush they got by playing in private clubs away from the unclean public.
Then along came Palmer, Sanders, Chi Chi and a host of others and suddenly there were a bunch of not so rich white guys wearing plaid pants teeing it up on public courses. Then Dinah Shore started a tournament of her own because she wasn't allowed, as a woman, to join any of the private clubs in L.A. Slowly the white guys were sharing the public course with the "ladies".
And then along comes Tiger and suddenly the clubhouse is full of people that you pass by every work day at the bus stop. Its like people wake up one Saturday morning and think, Golf, what a great idea I think I'll go out and try that today and really piss off the people behind me.
And kids! Lots of kids in blue shirts and caps. When our group comes in, the First Tee group is just going out. The adults who coach this are much worse than any little league Dad/Coach or Soccer Mom. That said, it is a great program but its spawning more competition for tee times.
Thirty years ago you could get a 2 bedroom condo, free breakfast, and a round of golf at Myrtle Beach for under $40 per player. Damn you Tiger!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Westchester Golf Course, Cleaner Than a Crack House
Westchester Golf Course, not the one in New York the one next to LAX, is where my favorite group of addicts show up every Saturday. We have a group of 27 of which 14 are certifiable addicts. Actually anyone who plays there more than once must have some touch of the addiction. Westchester is owned by the L.A. Airport who ripped out 3 holes for a road expansion (they promise to rebuild them) is adjacent to a park where high schools routinely have battle of the bands concerts, and of course it lies directly across from the runway of the country's third busiest airport. The greens however, are sweet.
Our group is a mixed bag. We range in age from 25 to 81. From a couple of scratch golfers to a 21 handicap. We have a sprinkling of Brits, one of whom brings "bangers" from his shop for our lunch, carpenters, professional comedian, paint salesman, realtor, advertising guy, insurance broker, property manager and the list goes on. We have very little in common except our friendship and the addiction to golf.
For those of you who are as old as me you can remember as a kid when you not only knew your neighbors, you actually interacted with them. In my old neighborhood we had the same kind of mix that my golf group has and maybe that's one of the core causes of the addiction. Golf it seems, fills that need to belong. If we get to the point where we all wear blue bandanas and start flashing signs, I'll know we have gone too far.
At any rate its a great group and we play closest to the pin, low net, low gross and all the other side bets that are typical of the addiction. Last year we should have issued 1099s to a couple of guys.
If you want to see how these addicts interact go to www.bushsmith.ning.com
Our group is a mixed bag. We range in age from 25 to 81. From a couple of scratch golfers to a 21 handicap. We have a sprinkling of Brits, one of whom brings "bangers" from his shop for our lunch, carpenters, professional comedian, paint salesman, realtor, advertising guy, insurance broker, property manager and the list goes on. We have very little in common except our friendship and the addiction to golf.
For those of you who are as old as me you can remember as a kid when you not only knew your neighbors, you actually interacted with them. In my old neighborhood we had the same kind of mix that my golf group has and maybe that's one of the core causes of the addiction. Golf it seems, fills that need to belong. If we get to the point where we all wear blue bandanas and start flashing signs, I'll know we have gone too far.
At any rate its a great group and we play closest to the pin, low net, low gross and all the other side bets that are typical of the addiction. Last year we should have issued 1099s to a couple of guys.
If you want to see how these addicts interact go to www.bushsmith.ning.com
The Ten Truisms of Amateur Golf
Almost all bad shots can be blamed on the equipment.
The quickest way to improve your game is to buy new equipment.
Tiger Woods is perhaps the greatest professional golfer of all time. You can dress like Tiger, fist pump like Tiger, buy Nike clothes and equipment, and maybe even bounce a ball on a wedge like Tiger; but you will never, never play as well as Tiger. Get over it. Lower your expectations and hope you earn a name like Raccoon Jones or Junkyard Smith.
It is only acceptable to step on an opponent’s ball or otherwise impair his lie if you can do so undetected and the action will insure that you win the hole. Messing with the ball out of pure malice is totally unacceptable. This is, after all, a Gentlemen’s game.
Rain delays are a convenient break in the action that should be used to consume another adult beverage.
Foursomes, like marriages, should not be dissolved unless the new player looks like easy money.
The best cure for the Yipps is to get a new putter (see truism #2)
Computing handicaps is a fine science and should be left to computers and not your tournament manager and for God’s sake not left to yourself.
Depending on your age, birdies are better than sex and an ace can lead to cardiac arrest. Golf does have its hazards.
Withdrawal symptoms will occur immediately after the 18th hole as you review in your mind all the idiotic mistakes you made. This will only encourage you to buy new equipment and show up early next week.
Golf is a sucker’s game
The quickest way to improve your game is to buy new equipment.
Tiger Woods is perhaps the greatest professional golfer of all time. You can dress like Tiger, fist pump like Tiger, buy Nike clothes and equipment, and maybe even bounce a ball on a wedge like Tiger; but you will never, never play as well as Tiger. Get over it. Lower your expectations and hope you earn a name like Raccoon Jones or Junkyard Smith.
It is only acceptable to step on an opponent’s ball or otherwise impair his lie if you can do so undetected and the action will insure that you win the hole. Messing with the ball out of pure malice is totally unacceptable. This is, after all, a Gentlemen’s game.
Rain delays are a convenient break in the action that should be used to consume another adult beverage.
Foursomes, like marriages, should not be dissolved unless the new player looks like easy money.
The best cure for the Yipps is to get a new putter (see truism #2)
Computing handicaps is a fine science and should be left to computers and not your tournament manager and for God’s sake not left to yourself.
Depending on your age, birdies are better than sex and an ace can lead to cardiac arrest. Golf does have its hazards.
Withdrawal symptoms will occur immediately after the 18th hole as you review in your mind all the idiotic mistakes you made. This will only encourage you to buy new equipment and show up early next week.
Golf is a sucker’s game
There's Help If You Want It
This blog is dedicated to assisting you to rationalize your unrational addiction to swatting a little white ball with a crooked stick. Golf steals your money, steals time away from family, increases your vocabulary of inventive swear words and, like the Lottery, makes you think if you play just one more time you can hit it big. I want to show you how to accept your addiction and that you are not alone. Along the way we want share other addicts stories and maybe give you some stuff that will make next Saturday the big payoff
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
